People see me walking around grounds with my studded belt and chinstrap beard and I overhear them saying to their friends, “Man, that is one badass mofo. I wish I could be more of a badass mofo, like that guy.� I understand that. And I want to help. So I have collected everything I know about being hot shit, from my own personal experience as well as from observing the most capable badasses that this University has to offer, and have created this easy-to-follow, step-by-step manual of acting like you have a huge penis.
7:45 AM: Wake up. Yes, your first class isn’t until 9 AM, but you’ll need a lot of time to create the effect of having just gotten up five minutes ago. You want it to be evident that you aren’t a morning person. As a rule, badasses aren’t morning people.
After your shower, rub your hair vigorously with your towel. Examine it in the mirror, and muss it as desired from back to front until it looks properly disheveled. Watch out for stray hairs that stick up in an otherwise flat area - some people still make shitty Alfalfa jokes, and being the brunt of a joke isn’t your thing.
Since it’s so early you want to look like you really just wanted to be comfortable. You want to be able to say “Yeah I clearly just didn’t give a damn what I looked like this morning.� Pajama pants are good, topped with a tee-shirt highlighting a sweet event you attended like a Hold ‘Em Tournament or a Triathlon. If you’ve never attended any sweet events, Abercrombie has a good crop of shirts with fake ones. It seems that fake people often excel in fake events, like the A & F Ski Patrol Search and Rescue Mission or the 1973 Water Polo Lifeguard Challenge.
9:30 AM: Act like you’ve fallen asleep in class, because staying awake in class is for pansies. You could also put your iPod headphones in your ears, to prove that listening to lectures is very low on your list of things to do. Just make sure you get the notes from Toolkit.
11:23 AM: Give a high five to another badass as you walk past each other. Not like a lame Saved by the Bell high five, but the type Quddus gives his guests on TRL. If possible, engage in a conversation as you walk away from each other, so that by the end you must be shouting. Tell him that last night was crazy, and that you played so much pong. It is imperative that you refer to the game simply as “pong� and not the full title “beer pong,� because only soft-asses would need to be so precise and long-winded about it. It’s not like there’s going to be any confusion as to whether it’s any other type of pong when it’s a badass like you.
12:07 PM: Change into afternoon clothes. It doesn’t matter so much the clothes you wear as it does your attitude in wearing them. You need to be able to use the word rock when normal people would just say wear. E.g. “I’m rockin’ the Croakies,� “Yeah I rock the ribbon belt,� “You gotta rock the girls’ jeans when you’re going to a show,� etc.
1:59 PM: Slouch in your chair and tell the girl two seats over that you haven’t done the reading. If she hasn’t done it either, say you’d be happy to read it to her… in bed.
3:58 PM: Be really good at Frisbee. Do that thing where you throw it with a fling motion from the outside right of your body. If the other guy sucks at Frisbee, get a little bit edgy. Never look like you’re really exerting yourself to run and catch it, but jog amiably. If he’s good at it, catch it behind your back or through your legs or in your mouth. If there is a girl sunbathing nearby, subtly move a bit closer to her each time you catch it, until eventually you need to straddle her to save her from getting hit. If she mentions anything about how awesome you are at Frisbee (which she undoubtedly will), tell her that it isn’t hard and that you can teach her some tricks. Stand behind her and guide her arm with the Frisbee. Chicks dig that romantic shit.
If there are other Frisbee players in the vicinity, it’s your call whether to challenge them to some Ultimate. (Again, do not use the full title of “Ultimate Frisbee�- that’s just so lame). But if others challenge you to play Ultimate, you have no choice but to agree. Turning down Ultimate is like saying “my scrotum is pretty small.�
5:45 PM: Walk around outside talking loudly into your cell phone. It doesn’t really matter if there’s actually someone you’re talking to, as long as you’re saying “Shit what did I say last night, man? Ha ha ha oh my god, dude that’s hilarious.� People around you will know that you must have all kinds of fun.
6:14 PM: Have the same conversation you had at 5:45 P.M. except this time online. Copy and paste the part where your friend tells you how fucked up you were, and put it on your profile.
E.g. Macdaddy22: dude u were fukn GONE last nite
BadassNtraining: wut did i do?
Macdaddy22: u were liek streakin the halls yellin FREEEEEDOM
BadassNtraining: lol omg
Macdaddy22: lol
8:23 PM: Go to the grocery store to get mixers for the pre-game you’ll go to. If you don’t already drive a Honda Civic or a pick-up truck, go ahead and start now. Lean your seat back far enough that it takes considerable effort to reach the pedals, and put one hand atop the steering wheel, the other out the window. As long as your music is loud it doesn’t really matter what it is. If it can be something about putting boots in terrorists’ asses, that’d be preferable.
Pedestrians may have the right of way, but don’t let them get too comfortable with it. If kids are pulling some kind of crap like walking across a crosswalk, rev your engine a bit until they’re almost out of the way and then speed by. Sometimes it’s good to just hit one. Badasses can’t really be bothered with shit like safety.
9:00 PM-2:00 AM: Pretty much anything you can do in this time period is badass. I’d go into the specifics and give you more pointers but by now you should know the fundamentals of being hot shit. And besides, I’m too hung over to write this any longer. Because that’s how I roll.
So on the topic of the UK music scene, here’s a pretty funny parody of Britain’s current state of music. Mitch Benn and The Distractions have recorded a song (and they actually have a full album coming out at some point, Crimes Against Music) commenting on the fact that, well, everything in the UK sounds like Coldplay now. What makes it funny is that, to an extent, it’s fairly true, what with Snow Patrol, Doves, and especially Athlete, all making significant dents in the pop charts there. But anyway, watch the clever video for the song here.
So only moments after I post about the iTunes music video download hack, 
