Your 9:13 PM Was Probably Better Than Mine
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Pimp my ride?
Yeah anyways, live blogging seems to be in these days, so here’s what I would’ve typed had I been live blogging my drive from UVA back to DC last night (all times approximate EST).
7:45:00 PM: Finish my last exam; all pumped about life and shit.
9:00:00 PM: Depart from UVA in The Chariot (my Amethyst ‘97 Jeep Grand Cherokee) to return to Washington, DC. Enter onto Rt. 29 North.
9:07:00 PM: Pop in that new Brand New record, remember how way good it is.
9:10:00 PM: Decide I really should have gone to the bathroom before I left. Attempt to concentrate on how badly I don’t have to pee. Resign myself to stopping at the next gas station.
9:13:00 PM: Oh, hell naw - tell me that elk-lookin’ shithead is not trying to run into my car.
9:13:01 PM: Swerve left.
9:13:02 PM: Overcompensate and swerve back right to narrowly avoid massive tree trunk as aforementioned deer plows into rear right side of The Chariot. Realize that deer are the 18-wheelers of the woodland creature world.
9:13:03 PM: Careen across two lanes of traffic and brace for impact with increasingly menacing guard rail.
9:13:04 PM: *IMPACT*
9:13:05 PM: Try to ascertain my whereabouts… surprised that they play “Degausser” in purgatory.
9:13:06 PM: Still trying to orient myself… Do I get another impact or what?
9:13:07 PM: *IMPACT* (”Degausser” stops. Apparently Pioneer’s anti-skip CD stereo technology can’t withstand sweet vehicular aerial acrobatics. Pussies.)
9:13:08 PM: Oh, hey solid ground, long time no see. That’s an aggressive handshake you’ve got there!
9:13:09 PM: What’s this? We’re rolling now?
9:13:10 PM: Seriously… this still isn’t over?
9:13:11 PM: Come on, now…
9:13:12 PM: Realize the car has come to rest. Realize I am trapped in my seatbelt. Realize I am upside down.
9:13:13 PM: Recall from my days as an early teenager spent playing Grand Theft Auto that all automobiles can only last 15 seconds upside down before spontaneously bursting into flames.
9:13:14 PM: FREAK THE FUCK OUT.
9:13:17 PM: Come to the realization that I probably have longer than that in real life. Continue to freak out anyway.
9:13:30 PM: Manage to force the seat into its reclined position by repeatedly kicking the dashboard. Realize that still only gives me about an inch of space to work with.
9:14:00 PM: Finally manage to rip seat belt from its holster after summoning strength I definitely don’t actually have.
9:14:01 PM: Remember that the car came to rest on a downward slope with the nose facing uphill. Fall into pile of shattered glass in the back seat.
9:14:02 PM: Psyched to find that while pile of shattered glass most immediately translates to “pain”, it can also mean “open window” or even “escape route” in certain contexts.
9:15:00 PM: Reach the top of the ravine. Greet concerned elderly motorist who witnessed the whole thing.
9:18:00 PM: Finally convince concerned elderly motorist that “No, I’m really not hurt”, despite him constantly assuring me that “There is no possible way [I am] not seriously injured”. Decide that his claim that he saw my car launch “at least 15 feet” into the air in an airborne cartwheel after hitting the guardrail is the product of him being old, easily excitable and prone to exaggeration.
9:19:00 PM: Chillax with concerned elderly motorist and his honey in his pimp-ass Senile Grey (y’know, the color of every old person’s car) Buick.
9:21:00 PM: Greet concerned paramedics, firemen and police officers.
9:30:00 PM: Finally convince concerned paramedics that “No, I’m really not hurt”, despite their insistence on the contrary. Resist their advice that I let them take me to the hospital immediately.
9:33:00 PM: Realize how ridiculous I’m being. Allow myself to be taken to the hospital, despite my displeasure at finding out that “Please let us take you to the hospital” is really just paramedicspeak for “Suck it up while we strap you to a backboard, stick needles in your arms and steal your socks” (No seriously, where my socks at?)
9:45:00 PM: Begin and conclude conversation with the two paramedics: “So, you guys are brothers?” “Yeah.” “…Cool”
10:03:00 PM: Arrive at Hospital. Get reception on cell phone. Call mother, father, Lizzy.
10:30:00 PM: Chastised by nurses for using cell phone in hospital. Think better of retorting with a brusque, “Notifying loved ones, yo”. Informed that I will not be treated until I am off the phone.
10:31:00 PM: Oh shiiiiiit, I still have to pee.
10:32:00 PM: What? I can’t use the bathroom until I’m removed from the backboard? I can’t be removed from the backboard until I’m treated? I passed up my window for treatment when I called my loved ones? I just have to wait?
10:35:00 PM: Fuckkkkkkkk.
10:40:00 PM: Seriously, this is ridiculous.
10:45:00 PM: Receive news from the Sheriff covering the accident (who courteously stopped by the hospital to see how I was doing) that the firemen surveying the tree/branch damage at the scene approximated the highest branch hit by my car to be “at least 21 feet”, validating the original claim of the concerned elderly motorist.
10:50:00 PM: Refocus concentration on the increasing anguish betwixt my loins, which is causing me more pain than the entire crash itself at this point.
11:05:00 PM: Seriously, I might cry.
11:15:00 PM: Treatment (i.e. they touched a spot on my back for a second and declared me good to go)
11:20:00 PM: RESTROOM SALVATION.
11:22:00 PM: Yeah I’m still going.
11:25:00 PM: No, it’s cool, I might be a while - I’ll catch up with you guys later.
11:27:00 PM: *zzzzip*
11:30:00 PM: Wait for futher instructions from antogonizing nurses.
12:30:00 AM: Hold on - did I seriously just wait an hour for you to give me two pills? Oh… I can go now? I rescind all complaints.
12:40:00 AM: Receive discharge.
1:00:00 AM - : Call people important to me and relate story countless times, each time with more and more exaggerated details. (”No dude, it was at least a moose”; “Seriously man, I nailed a 1080 in The Chariot… yeah, totally on purpose”; “Yeah, I thought I was done for but Kele from Bloc Party appeared before me and told me to keep fighting, so I fucking did!”, etc.)
In conclusion, yes, I know I’m way lucky to be alive and yes, I know that I’m making light of this even though every paramedic on the scene told me I should probably be dead. I’d just rather not dwell on those things though, instead let’s just focus on HOW FUCKING RIDICULOUS that entire series of events was. C’mon, by the “at least 15 feet in the air” part you have to admit it was getting downright comical (still completely true, however). Fuck, Hollywood doesn’t even dream of crashes like that.
But for those of you who’d experienced (read: been a passenger in) The Chariot before there was surely only one question on your mind: WHAT ABOUT GARY? Well good news, all - Gary is alive and well. He’s better than ever in fact; you gotta love that little guy’s resilient spirit.
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Oh, and a final note: I visited my car today in the junkyard (hence the pictures) and realized the airbags didn’t deploy. They would have been nice to have around when I took that 15-foot nosedive into the ground, definitely. Any of you legal types out there know if I can get compensation for this endangerment to my life? Hook it up in the comments.
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December 10th, 2006 at 9:49 am
Thank God for Kele!!!!!
Seriously though, glad you’re alive and unhurt to tell the tale.
December 10th, 2006 at 10:24 am
Glad you’re all right! Hope the rest of your break is better than the trip home!
December 10th, 2006 at 10:27 am
Ditto. And well enough to have a laugh about it all!
December 10th, 2006 at 10:31 am
Yikes! Good to hear you’re alright, and seven minutes of urination must be some sort of record.
December 10th, 2006 at 10:48 am
seriously, just tell truth…. the truth is you were actually bored and decided to make up the most unlikely series of events just to see how gullible we all are.
Nah.. just kidding! omg.. that is hectic tho, kele is our saviour! lol. Good to hear that all is well tho
cheers
December 10th, 2006 at 10:49 am
by the way ‘your 9:13pm was probably better than mine’ would be a really awesome name for a band
December 10th, 2006 at 12:15 pm
Thats the funnyst thing i have read in a long time.Glad to see your ok man.
December 10th, 2006 at 12:39 pm
you missed seeing james bond asshole. try crashing into a deer on your own time? luvz!
-urd
December 10th, 2006 at 12:41 pm
that was a good laugh man. Your pretty lucky your chariot held up. Despite the 21′ launch into the air.
December 10th, 2006 at 12:42 pm
Dude, man. I’m just glad you’re okay. I’ve been through 3 car crashes myself, and I consider myself lucky to be alive. Of course, I’ve never flipped my car 15 feet through the air… yet.
Glad you’re alive.
December 10th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
you know dead bloggers get better promotion. None the less, i’m glad you’re still a member of the living.
December 10th, 2006 at 1:24 pm
Holy shit.
You think these things only happen on TV and not in real life to real people but here you are, writing an ironic post about this. Put things in perspective doesn’t it?
December 10th, 2006 at 3:52 pm
I felt sooo badly for laughing hysterically at that because the whole situation is far from funny. I’m glad you’re alright.
If it ever happens again, uh, braking hard (assuming no one’s on your ass) helps
December 10th, 2006 at 4:33 pm
2006 FreeIndie Awards
http://www.freeindie.com/2006/12/2006_freeindie_awards.html
December 10th, 2006 at 4:53 pm
^ Yeah Derek, you almost die in a horrific car accident, but don’t worry! You can now vote for the 2006 FreeIndie awards!
Glad you’re okay, man. I fear for the slow death of my musical life without you, although that isn’t really important in a matter of this magnitude.
December 10th, 2006 at 5:00 pm
I’m glad you’re okay! And btw that story was amazing. great writing.
December 10th, 2006 at 7:30 pm
funny indeed but BLOODY HELL, take care will you!
December 10th, 2006 at 8:36 pm
Glad to hear you’re safe and well. It would have been a depressing Christmas indeed hearing one of my favorite bloggers was no longer with us. Besides, I don’t think I could survive Christmas without your holiday mix 06. Where is that btw?
As a 1L in law school, which I can say will not be actual legal advice, simply an educated guess, in order to sue for not having the airbags deploy, you would have to have damages that the airbag would have prevented. Without damages, your complaint (and a valid one at that) is just that, a complaint. That’s my guess from a tort standpoint, you may be able to sue on other grounds, just not one based on product liability or negligence.
December 10th, 2006 at 8:52 pm
awh nah man. not the chariot. RIP. awh yeah to Gary tho. that little bro is a warrior. sad to lose hodge-podge though. he actually was an indian warrior. thank god youre okay tho man. the crash sounds freaking insane.
December 10th, 2006 at 8:54 pm
A friend of mine had an experience a lot like yours. His wasn’t caused by a deer though. He was a bit drowsy having just gotten off a 12 hour work shift (as an electrician) and was making his hour long commute from the south side of Chicago back up to the NW suburbs, and someone cut him off and slammed on the breaks. long story short, he avoided the guy who cut him off, but did 3 backflips off the side of the expressway at about 70 MPH. His car (trailblazer) ended up on its roof, and on fire. He walked away with only a very minor scratch on his shoulder, and his airbags didn’t go off either. His main, HOLY SHIT realization from the entire thing was that the bowling ball that was in the back was jettisoned through the windshield on the passenger side, less than a foot away from his head. Somebody up there likes the two of you… glad you’re OK!
December 10th, 2006 at 10:15 pm
I dunno who icy_paprika is, but my feelings exactly.
December 10th, 2006 at 10:45 pm
Wow! Glad to hear you weren’t seriously hurt. About the airbags - the sensors are in the front, above the bumper. Without a direct front end impact, they rarely deploy. Even in a rollover. Unless you have the “curtains” on the side, then they don’t always come out. Just depends on where the car is impacted.
December 11th, 2006 at 2:02 am
Wow…
I’ve only been reading your blog for about a week now, and it’s already my favorite thing on the internet.
I’m glad you’re okay o_o!
December 11th, 2006 at 3:21 am
Way to make me feel like an asshole for laughing uproariously throughout this entire post, namely the Grand Theft Auto 15-seconds-upside-down-then-burst-into-flames part. I nearly was involved in an accident involving deer tonight as well, but was lucky enough to remain entirely earthbound. Hope you’re well.
–Josh
December 11th, 2006 at 4:49 am
derek. first of all, it takes way less than 15 seconds for the car to explode in GTA. Second of all, we know you were listening to hellogoodbye and dancing and thats why you crashed, but youre just ashamed to admit it. Third of all, i have no snuggle buddy here. please come visit with an extra pair of ninja jammies. goodnight.
December 11th, 2006 at 5:31 am
jesus derek.
fucking terrifying.
i love you and im happy you\’re okay
December 11th, 2006 at 6:52 am
Glad you’re okay.
You got to do it with “Degausser” from “The Devil and God Are Raging Inside Me” playing - whereas the rest of us have to listen to Warrant or Ashanti featuring Ja-Rule when we’re flipping through the air pondering our existences.
I think that whole album was written as Jesse Lacey was sitting in a hospital bed. That might say something. And I apologize if this comes across as preachy, because it’s not meant to be, but I truly and sincerely hope your car wreck provides you with an immense helping of perspective. I know mine have. As often as we strap ourselves into these vehicles, few of us get to experience a wreck - while many of us might actually *need* to, if only to remind us of the themes Lacey was writing about.
December 11th, 2006 at 9:10 am
Here’s another idea: send this to a movie script writer. That was pretty life changing but you gotta admit it was really awesome! Listening to Degausser put the whole crash into extreme slow motion for me. How ironic to have it on at the time. Also that’s some pretty good memory you got there.
December 11th, 2006 at 11:06 am
Is the deer okay?
December 11th, 2006 at 11:51 am
much love from richmond…
great writing and i am also glad to hear you are ok.
i’m going to keep my eyes peeled for all those elk-looking mofo’s!!!
peace…
December 11th, 2006 at 5:48 pm
who knew brand new played in purgatory
best line of the day
hands down
glad ur ok
December 11th, 2006 at 6:28 pm
dude, you’re OK?
shit happens, forget that car, that elk, and continue writing.
once myself nearly died in a car crash.
believe in angels ?
December 11th, 2006 at 6:56 pm
That’s really BA. You should’ve made up some lie about the deer pulling you out from the burning wreckage and nursing you back to health.
Hell, I woulda believed it.
Glad you’re not dead.
December 11th, 2006 at 9:47 pm
In retrospect was it a good idea to go to the hospital? “9:33:00 PM: Realize how ridiculous I’m being” comeon now, who would know how youre feeling better than yourself?
December 11th, 2006 at 10:20 pm
Derek. You’re my hero and i’m happy you’re ok. I dont know what I would do without you (selfish, i know).
December 12th, 2006 at 1:50 am
Oh wow…I’m so happy you’re okay. You’re lucky. Stay safe, and I hope nothing as terrifying or near-tragic ever happens to you again.
Best of luck in everything.
Happy Tuesday,
~ Ash
December 12th, 2006 at 1:57 am
That story is the reason I still believe in blogs. Nice one.
December 12th, 2006 at 2:11 am
Am I the only one who hoped Derek would be dead by the end of the story? I mean, wouldn’t that be creepy that he posted from afterlife?
December 12th, 2006 at 3:10 am
holy shit…that’s intense..glad to hear your ok. pretty awesome story you now have, though. you can tell your grandkids.
December 12th, 2006 at 3:13 am
you’re welcome. love you.
December 12th, 2006 at 6:51 am
Very pleased that you escaped unharmed. I had a similar experience a few years ago. It’s weird to think taht “Rides’ Leave them all behind” should have been my last heard song.
December 12th, 2006 at 10:22 am
Thanks Dude,
Now I know what kind of car to get my son Liam when he goes to college! Also nice to know the old addage “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree” is true. Your almost as funny as your dad, mind you, ALMOST.
Seriously, so glad the angels carried you to safety in that incredible flight you took and you lived to laugh about it.
later,
Mary Beth Durkin
December 12th, 2006 at 5:39 pm
Dude, there are MUCH easier ways to get attention.
I’m so glad someone was watching over you, my friend.
Take care,
Will
December 12th, 2006 at 8:04 pm
Wow. That is one hell of a story. Good to know you’re alive and well!
December 12th, 2006 at 9:15 pm
Jesus, that’s crazy. Glad to here you’re alright. Hope insurance money puts you back begind the wheel of an equally sweet car.
December 12th, 2006 at 9:18 pm
Holy shit dude.
So fucking glad you’re ok. Wow. As much as I want to say something cynical (like ‘Hey, it would’ve sucked to come to GWFAS for weeks and weeks, waiting for a new fucking update’), I simply cannot. This shit is nuts.
BY THE WAY- you go to UVA? Dude- I’m totally applying there this month. I would absolutely, positively love you to death if you would email me at Finchmeister@gmail.com and I could possibly ask you a few meager questions about the school. PLEASE?!?! Thank you
December 13th, 2006 at 2:44 am
that was rudolph and your sacrifice was not in vain–i think you saved christmas!
fuck! glad you’re okay though!
December 13th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
I’m glad you are O.K. I remember in High School when a deer jumped out of the field right in front of my car…there was no time to do anything except hit it. I’m pretty good at spotting them now (crosses fingers and knocks on wood).
December 16th, 2006 at 12:52 pm
holy cow. i’m really happy to hear you’re doing alright.
December 19th, 2006 at 2:35 am
that may have been the greatest retelling of an accident ever. I love how the old guy was off by 6 feet. I felt kinda wrong giggling here and there while reading this, but it really was funny the way you told it. I actually burst out laughing at “SHIT IS FUCKED” and “CATCH ME RIDIN’ DIRTY.”
Congrats on not being dead, man. Seriously.
January 4th, 2007 at 11:19 pm
That is really funny, the same exact thing happened to me and my friends last month.
We rolled and SUV while listening to the new Brand New CD, no one was harmed and we made the “ridin’ dirty” joke…
I wonder how many car rolls that CD has caused…
January 6th, 2007 at 5:53 am
[…] 4. Brand New - The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me I hate that feeling I have when I talk about this album that I need to defend myself. When it comes to rock albums released this year, nothing was as good lyrically, emotionally, and musically than The Devil and God. Most people never get past the MTV image, since Deja Entendu was big with the teenage crowd. With this new album, we see Brand New more mature and simply more consumed by the music they’re creating. Jesse Lacey reminds me somewhat of Kurt Cobain with his ability to go from 0-60 emotionally in a few seconds while singing some songs. The stories behind some of the songs on this album are pretty powerful, and the fact they made such great songs in response is admirable. Take the song “Limousine”, which is about a tragic drunk driving accident after a wedding when the young flower girl was killed as a drunk driver driving in the wrong lane hit their limousine head on. A better summary is found at the mp3 link below. Anymore the term “emo rock” has been driven to mean nothing, but you begin to know what it truely means after hearing the songs on this album and listening to the lyrics. Even if you’ve never been a Brand New fan, I still highly recommend this album to anyone, even if it’s just a single listen-through. mp3: Degrausser (bottom of post) / Jesus / Limousine […]
January 6th, 2007 at 5:56 am
[…] 4. Brand New - The Devil and God are Raging Inside Me I hate that feeling I have when I talk about this album that I need to defend myself. When it comes to rock albums released this year, nothing was as good lyrically, emotionally, and musically than The Devil and God. Most people never get past the MTV image, since Deja Entendu was big with the teenage crowd. With this new album, we see Brand New more mature and simply more consumed by the music they’re creating. Jesse Lacey reminds me somewhat of Kurt Cobain with his ability to go from 0-60 emotionally in a few seconds while singing some songs. The stories behind some of the songs on this album are pretty powerful, and the fact they made such great songs in response is admirable. Take the song “Limousine”, which is about a tragic drunk driving accident after a wedding when the young flower girl was killed as a drunk driver driving in the wrong lane hit their limousine head on. A better summary is found at the mp3 link below. Anymore the term “emo rock” has been driven to mean nothing, but you begin to know what it truely means after hearing the songs on this album and listening to the lyrics. Even if you’ve never been a Brand New fan, I still highly recommend this album to anyone, even if it’s just a single listen-through. mp3: Degrausser (bottom of post) / Jesus / Limousine […]
April 5th, 2007 at 3:58 am
Excuse, and what you think concerning forthcoming elections?
April 9th, 2007 at 5:46 am
cool blog!
April 16th, 2007 at 2:14 am
cool blog!
April 18th, 2007 at 3:09 am
nice photos of this blog
April 24th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
[…] Note: After typing this entry, I realized there was a similar entry on Summer’s blog, so I would just like it to be known that I did not plagiarize her idea. I plagiarized his. […]
May 31st, 2007 at 5:00 pm
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